Three Guys Walk into a Comedy Club
So Jesus is yelling inside a paper supply warehouse,
and this security guard comes in
(gun drawn)
and says, “What the Hell ya doin’ in here?”
and Jesus says,
“Just preaching to the quire.”
So he shoots Him.
Thank you, thank you.
You sir—where ya from?
“I am from India.”
India? Jesus Christ…
“No, Sri Krishna,
if you want to know the truth.”
Weren’t you the head writer
for
Dharma and Greg?
No, no, wait—
that was your brother Harry;
hey, I introduced him to my uncle, you know:
Harry Krishna? Harry Rama;
Harry? Harry. Harry? Rama.
Rama Rama? Harry Harry.
Thank you, thank you.
Take my soul—please!
So, here’s wisdom:
remember that scene in
The Omen,
when Gregory Peck shaves his kid’s head,
lookin’ for the number of the Beast, right?
Found three little sixes?
What if they were really nines?
Right?
Right? Don’t ya hate when that happens?
Lord Krishna…
“Yes?”
No, no—just an expression!
(Holy Moses…)
Who’s your little friend there, by the way?
(Speaking of hairy— not!)
“This is my good friend,
Buddha Shakyamuni”
No kiddin’—Siddhartha Buddha? Sidd?
“One and the same.
Both,
and neither.”
Listen, Sidd—saw you with the Billy Preston tour,
back in ’72.
[sings]
Will It Go Round In Circles?
“It is as I teach…”
Yo! Sidd. Get a life!
And try a diet, ya know?
How ya ‘spect to get enlightened,
sitting around like a pretzel
and eatin’ ’em too?
Whoa!!
Just a little earthquake,
nothin’ to worry ‘bout folks.
Is that Mohamed I see in the audience tonight?
Ah, la la…
“There is no other.”
Yo, Mo—
still drinkin’ those bloody Marys I see…
Whoa!
Clean-up in aisle seven.
Damn!
Is it gettin’ hot in here folks?
Come on—little fire and brimstone
never hurt anybody.
Thank god I’m an atheist.