"Billy! Get down here NOW! You're gonna be late!"
Billy was halfway under his bed, searching for his favorite tan vest. So far all he's come up with is the half-eaten apple he dropped last week, five ants, and his Lego figure of The Premier he'd been looking for for days. He finally felt his fingers brush his vest, and with a stretch and a grunt, Billy grabbed it and ran downstairs. His mom was next to the front door, looking into the open gun cabinet.
"Whatcha want today? The Smith and Wesson?
"The kids call me Snubby with that old thing. I want the Ruger. It slaps!"
His mom smiles and shakes her head at the slang, then hands him the tiny EC9 and two extra clips. Billy has his tan tactical vest on by then; he holsters the pistol and slips the clips into his backpack.
"Okay, sweetie. Get going. Have fun at school today."
Billy hopped on his bike and raced to school, getting there just before the final lockdown bell. After the class pledged allegiance to The Premier, they sat at their desks and took out their history books. Billy liked history. They were reading about Columbus and how the Indians were so stupid about selling their land for beads and stuff. His teacher said the Indians lay around and drank all day, which is why they were so dumb. And that The Premier finally rounded them all up and sent them down to Mexico. The teacher explained that no one had ever been able to do that before in the whole history of the world. The Premier said they weren't really citizens after all, and anyway, everyone knows they ran their casinos like crap.
At recess, they all went outside to the playground. You could always tell when recess was coming up 'cause you could hear the Ed-Pats—the Education Patriots—opening the metal doors of the munitions locker and slapping their clips into their assault rifles. Last year, Billy thought he wanted to be an Ed-Pat when he grew up, but over the summer, he realized that he'd have to come to school all day, just like now. What fun is that? So now he was thinking maybe the Navy would be more fun 'cause he likes to swim, or he could move out West and be a fracker.
As soon as the Ed-Pats secured the perimeter, they were allowed to go out for recess. You had to be careful: there were still some crazy Dumbocraps around. They must be harder to catch than Indians, Billy thought, 'cause they look like us. They were just as stupid as the Indians, though: they were the ones who wanted to take everybody's guns away, and now they were sniping people like, from the trees.
After recess, it was time for science. They were studying all about The Flood and Noah. Billy wanted to ask why there weren't any pictures of dinosaurs in the Bible; his mom didn't know. Maybe they were really just fake news.
Email: Tom Loper